Hi All,

I thought that I’d share Tony H.’s clever e-mail that probably has a lot more meaning to those of us riding than to you. However, some of you may find some humor in it and it provides a bit of insight into the zaniness of our group.

You have received some instructions from Tracy about arrangements in Boston. I thought I would send you some thoughts as well as some further information which you might not be aware of. I have been eavesdropping on the teams telephone calls and secret meetings.

 

You will have noticed in nearly all the gas stations and stores we have visited there have been three farmers drinking coffee and discussing the state of the world. These were not farmers but professional actors employed by Tracy and moved from one store to another in the truck. They, together with the rest of the team, have been constantly assessing every rider for physical and mental condition. Those assessments are nearly completed.

 

I can now reveal that when we get to the beach we will be split into two groups. Those who are considered fit in mind and body will be asked to put their bikes on one of the two vans.

 

Those considered fit in body but not in mind will be asked to put their bikes in the truck with “Ryder” on the side. This group will go straight to the The Tracy Leiner Home for the Bewildered. This home is a division of Crossroad Inc and has been going now for more than 15 years, with numbers growing each year. Little is know about the home however I have managed to get some information which is added as a footnote. For those of us in that group do not worry about payments Tracy has your credit card number.

 

 

For those lucky ones being released back into the community I thought I would list a few of my thoughts and helpful hints

 

It is not normal to sleep in the same room as your bike. For the first week try every other night to break the habit.

 

Most people do not rub white cream into their backside every morning before breakfast, no matter how pleasurable it has become to you, you need to stop. Find other pleasures in life.

 

When you get up in the night to pee you do not have to squeeze your tyres before and after you go.

 

You should continue to sit down at 5.45 each evening to preview the next day however you should have a beer, glass of wine or cocktail with you. This is a good habit.

 

If you get nostalgic for some of those hotel breakfasts then overcook some scrambled eggs put them in the fridge for a few days and then eat them at room temperature. You are cured!

 

You should email family and friends before you return and send them an example route sheet so that they can prepare some for you, so that you can get to their houses and the local store easily

 

You do not need an energy bar and some energy gu just to get to the end of the street.

 

Watch out for my forthcoming book “One thousand ways to use a ziplock bag”

 

Finally, a recent study issued from the Panhandle University of Oklahoma reports that there are long term mental affects from the use of Gatorade. The report says anyone who has taken significant amounts of Gatorade on a daily basis for more than thirty days is highly likely to do crazy things for the rest of their lives. You have been warned!

 

Please feel free to add your thoughts and helpful hints.

 

 

For those who are going straight to The Tracy Leiner Home for the Bewildered I have managed with the help of wiki leaks and other sources to piece together a picture of life in the home.

 

The home is a converted hotel set in the New Hampshire countryside and was used as a movie setting (The Shining 1980 Jack Nicholson).

 

Each year a new intake arrives in late June. Numbers have grown over the years as no one leaves. Residents rise early in the morning and are well treated. They receive one,two or three stand up meals a day consisting of pieces of fruit and less popular and slightly out of date energy bars and gels (they have to be used up somehow).

 

Each room has Gatorade on tap and Lycra uniforms are provided. You have to do your own laundry. Each evening everyone is gathered together around 5.45 and told a story, some of which is true and some of which is just made up to get a reaction.

 

Everyone is gainfully employed at the local inner tube manufacturing plant (another division of the growing Crossroads empire). You are expected to work extra hours during March and April as the demand for tubes is seasonal.

 

I understand the factory is located -0.1L,-0.1L out of the home and then back in again though the door.

 

It is rumoured that there is a Dairy Queen nearby but no one has ever found it.

 

 

Details of the home are difficult to come by, if you hear of any other details please please email them to the group.

 

Tony